I Got Vaccinated…

(Just a trigger warning, needles)

Yesterday I got vaccinated for COVID-19. Sure, this is great, this is going to help us to control the spread. But I have trypanophobia. And rather bad trypanophobia at that. Like I cry when I see a needle. So yep, yesterday was not at all fun. 

There are times, I’ve realised, when your brain doesn’t care what you look like, doesn’t care who sees you sobbing, it just needs to get out of there. Yesterday was one of those times. 

I realised that trypanophobia, especially at the level of severity mine is at, isn’t as common as I thought it was. Nobody else there was crying — and obviously that doesn’t mean they weren’t afraid — but I can’t really physically stop myself from crying, so yeah. A few of the nurses there seemed surprised to see someone so afraid. But most of them were really understanding, which was good. 

But I experienced so much damn anxiety there. Like it’s not something I’ve never experienced before, but it wasn’t a level of anxiety that I experience often. It was so intense that I could physically feel it in my head. I know this sounds weird but it’s like the feeling of how a bunch of exclamation marks would feel. Anyone else feel that? Probably not. 

But I used to have a certain friend who put so much shame on me for having this phobia. She’d describe vaccinations and blood tests to me just because she wanted to. 

I don’t think a phobia should be something that people ate ashamed of. It’s not their fault that they have this phobia. And for me, I can’t even pinpoint what I’m scared of. Just. All I feel is irrational fear. 

For anyone who is scared (probably nobody else), here are some things that might help you? I know this didn’t help me but hopefully some other people’s brains make sense…

• I got Pfizer and I literally did not feel anything. At all. The only thing I felt was the nurse putting on the band-aid. 
• They were really understanding. Like all the nurses. And they had lollipops. In case sugar makes you feel better. 
• Nobody else who was there looked at me when I was waiting and crying. Nobody cares. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

But yeah. I feel better now. Kinda. My parents are being surprisingly nice. They bought me chocolate and promised me a voucher to an online book store. I don’t think I deserve that but ok. I will accept that. Hehe. 

Hugs to anyone else who is struggling.