how can something i once dreamed of be so scary?

once there was a girl

a little girl who smiled

ringlets in her hair

eyes sparkling with joy

without one care in the world

once there was a girl

a little girl who hoped

dreams in her mind

eyes big and happy

who started planning her future

now she is a monster 

inside a girl

eyes pretty from a distance

deep and sad when you get close

with the weight of the world on her shoulders

and she loves people who aren't even there

because they won't leave her

and she can't tell what she's feeling

because she's used to feeling for others

and she remembers--

she remembers when she wanted so many friends

but it's more to lose

more heartbreak

she remembers when she wanted independence

but she can't make her own decisions

they will be wrong

she remembers when she wanted children 

but they will make her unclean

she is disgusting

she remembers when she wanted peace

but now she can't trust herself

when she's alone

she remembers when she wanted help

but it is impossible

"i'm okay"

she remembers when she wanted to be an individual

but it made her wish others weren't

and she was

she remembers when she wanted a boy

but she backed away 

and cried

but she vows to be the kindest

so she hollows herself out

until she doesn't know who she is

so she starves herself of love

because it should belong to someone else