Being aroace: the Valentine's Day post nobody wanted

***Content warning for internalised and spoken aphobia in this post. I do not intend to suggest that all aro and/or ace people feel the same way as me, or to imply that these feelings are exclusive to aro and/or ace people.***

So recently on this blog I have revealed the fact that I am aroace. If you didn't previously know, this is an awkward way to find out, but please don't feel bad. The fact that I sent you this blog's link and the fact that I'm posting this on here knowing who can see it (even though nobody cares about this blog) means that I trust you to know. 

I have a lot to write. Ummm. Let's first start off with a definition. 

So being aroace is being aromantic and asexual. I suck at explaining stuff so here's the google definition for asexuality:

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof. It may also be categorized more widely to include a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities.

And here is the google definition for aromanticism:

Individuals who do not experience romantic attraction toward individuals of any gender(s).

As you can see from the different depths of these definitions, asexuality is a lot more well-known and I'm pretty sure that just more people in general are asexual rather than aromantic (or both, obviously). Even though apparently only 1% of the world's population is asexual (ace for short), aromantic (aro for short) people appear to be even less common. I have tried to find stats for what percentage of people are aromantic, but I couldn't find any. Plenty of people are just asexual, or just aromantic. With the small percentage of people that are either aro or ace, obviously people who are aro and ace are even less common.

I think I'm fine with that. It's hard sometimes, but I like being ✨special✨.

Plus, I haven't actually known myself that I'm aroace for that long. Less than a year. And luckily I'm young and very fortunate to have access to aroace communities and information online. I realised I was ace first, then months later I realised I was aro. I'm just so lucky that I have supportive friends, and that I found out so young.

It is very confusing trying to figure out whether or not you're ace. It's even harder trying to figure out if you're aro. You don't understand what you're not feeling, if that makes sense. You've never experienced sexual attraction or romantic attraction, and therefore you don't know what it feels like, and therefore you don't realise you're not feeling it. Plus, it's really easy to get mixed up with other types of attraction. Especially since society has convinced us that we're supposed to feel these things.

Asexual people often get sexual attraction mixed up with things like aesthetic attraction. Aromantic people often get romantic attraction mixed up with things like platonic attraction. And then you panic because you think that you mustn't really be aro/ace and convince yourself that you've just been faking it for attention. The world is so focused on sexual and romantic relationships that society forgets that they're not the only types of attraction. It's like that meme:

(Ignore my handwriting and the fact that this did not go according to plan and it's very messy.)

I often also think that I might just be too young to experience stuff. I used to always make up crushes in primary school (and early in high school) to fit in. But then I just ended up acting like I was stalking these people. That was very embarrassing. But it kinda also gives me validation... it assures me that I literally did not know how to have a crush on someone and therefore must be aroace.

I have no idea what my future's going to look like. I can only be safe for so long. Soon people are going to start doing things that are not very aroace-friendly, and I'm going to feel left out. I read a book, Loveless by Alice Oseman (very good, I recommend), about a person who only realised she was aroace when she was at university. She was surrounded by people who were doing all these things, and she couldn't figure out why she couldn't feel the same way as everyone else did. I am so lucky and grateful that I figured it out before all my friends and classmates really started doing stuff, but I just feel like the freedom and belonging that comes with that innocence is slowly slipping away. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me feel like everyone else is growing up and I'm just stuck here, like a little kid, who does not even want to see or hear about these things. 

And then there's the future future. I don't want to come out to my parents, but they are going to wonder why on earth I'm like this. They're not homophobic, but aphobia is a completely different thing. I like the idea of a wedding... actually no I don't. I like the idea of wearing a pretty dress. That's it. Honestly I'm laughing right now. 

It's not that I want these things (like a wedding or kids) but can't have them. I could have them. But I don't want them (and yes I know my opinion can change). I am just worried about what my life will be without them. Will I grow up and have only one focus: work? That sounds pretty stressful to me. 

One of my friends said that I could get married platonically and adopt kids. Sure, she was trying to help. But I feel like saying that is just helping to reinforce society's expectation that you have to end up married with kids. And honestly I try not to get too close to anyone anyway. But society has convinced us that, without a romantic partner and/or kids, you will be lonely. That's not true -- PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS EXIST.

Being aroace isn't a choice, and sometimes it's hard. But if it was a choice, I would probably still choose to be aroace. Romantic/sexual relationships sound painful to me... like what's the point? Aren't you just gonna break up anyway? I mean, sure, some people -- a lot of people, actually -- like them. It's like that other meme, why breathe when you're gonna die anyway? hahahaha. Being aroace + being pessimistic = laughing at allos (people who aren't on the aro/ace spectrum, in this context). 

I don't know how to segue into this but I find it so frustrating that people can be so casually and cluelessly aphobic. Yes, people can be cluelessly homophobic or transphobic or in any other way hateful, too. But I have been out to a small group of people for less than a year, and I've still experienced direct aphobia, indirect aphobia and read about so much aphobia. I am, in no way, trying to be bratty and complain. I just thought that I might list some things that people have said without knowing how it made me feel, and why. Just so that anyone who actually reads this might learn a bit about what not to say to aro and/or ace people. Even the least homophobic people can be aphobic.

Um and if you, the person who said one of these things, happen to stumble across this, even though you don't read my blog... I am in no way trying to criticise you. I know you didn't mean to be aphobic.

• "You're basically straight." I have no idea how people think we are straight? Like we are further from straight than gay people are, depending on the way you think about it? If anything, I would say that aroace people are closer to being bi or pan than straight. In fact, a lot of people think they're bi or pan before realising they're aroace. Me included (I thought I was biromantic because I was getting platonic and romantic attraction mixed up). I say that they're more bi/pan than straight because both (especially pan people) do not skew to one side -- they don't have a preference, and neither do aroace people. It's like being pan and being aroace are opposites. Sure, they're very different. But they're on the same sliding scale; in the same group. Whereas people who only like one gender are in a completely different category. The only thing that aroace and straight people have in common is not liking people of the same sex. I mean, I could say that gay people are basically straight because they only like one sex. But that would be considered a stupid thing to say, wouldn't it?
• "You're too young to know; you haven't dated anybody." I can literally use an anti-homophobia rebuttal here: you're too young to know you're straight (or whatever sexuality they label themselves as). Also, I haven't been stabbed and I don't think I'd like that 🤷 I don't know though, maybe I just haven't found the right dagger yet. 

Ok so I actually haven't experienced that much aphobia, and all the rest of my stories need context that I'm too lazy to give. 

I'm actually writing this a full week before Valentine's day. I was very excited to write it, not gonna lie. I don't have that much left to say, but I will add some stuff on February 14th. My dream plans (many of which I probably won't end up following through with) for Valentine's Day include:

• Making mini aro/ace pride flags, with toothpicks as the "flag pole" so that I can stab all the aphobes. We have very pretty pride flags by the way.
• Celebrating platonic relationships because Valentine's Day is not exclusive to romance.
• Going to school and doing PE :(
• Invading Denmark while their guard is down. Anyone with me? 

Another terrible segue, but I would like to reassure you imaginary blog readers that being aroace is also super amazing. I feel like I have spent the majority of this post implying that I wish I wasn't aroace because it's hard... or something similar to that. That is definitely untrue. As I said before, I think I would still choose to be aroace even if I had the choice. I feel like it's definitely a part of me and my personality. I think Valentine's Day will be hard for me, not because I'm aroace, but because (and this is gonna sound weird) I have a thing where I can't love anyone (see Dead Bird Post).

A disclaimer: I do not know how allos feel but I'm gonna claim that I do because I'm surrounded by them.

I would assume that allos feel like they constantly have to act a certain way around certain people because they're attracted to them or whatever. I don't have to do that, so it provides me with a freedom that I enjoy. I also think that allos would find it hard when they are not in a romantic/sexual relationship when others are, and there might be a potential for jealousy there. And there's that whole unrequited love thing... that must be annoying. Being attracted to people must be so annoying and painful??

I'm still kinda confused about allos. I need help to understand. Am I right in saying that you can't control who you "fall in love" with? That must be so annoying? But like how does it work?

And also, uh, this is gonna sound weird, but: I feel like saying "oop sorry I'm aroace" is a very good way to reject someone without insulting them. It's like the ultimate "it's not you, it's me" hahaha. I hope it's not weird to say that. But, like, bonus points if they already know what that means and you don't have to explain it to them. 

Anyway... I guess I will never know the mysteries of the allos. Now I have to do a really weird conclusion:

Being aroace is certainly interesting. It took me more than fourteen years to figure out what the word "hot" actually meant, and it also took me over fourteen years to find out that attraction isn't a joke. That was very awkward. I like being aroace though. In the words of my friend, "ooh you're so qUiRkY and sPeCiAl". Yes, I am. I'm in a 1% for lots of things *flips hair*. 

Now I'm going to go be sad on Valentine's Day. Not because I'm going to be surrounded by allos being allos, but because I have double geography and PE. (Pray for me.)

Update: PE was cancelled and we watched a David Attenborough documentary for the entire double geography periods. I'm happy.