Little white pills for your despair

*****Content warning for discussions of ocd and medication*****

Hi. I hope you’re doing well. Ummmm I’m not sure how to begin this post, so I’m gonna just start writing and hope for the best. 

So basically as you probably know I have ocd, and I’m seeing a psychologist/therapist for it and doing ExRP. I guess you could say that I'm doing relatively well with ExRP, but the thing is, it is going to take a long time for ExRP to become life-changingly effective. So basically my therapist decided I should start taking medication for my ocd. I did ask my mum if I could maybe take medication for it several weeks ago, but then I kinda got scared off.

The reason I got scared off was because when I was telling some of my friends, "yay, I asked", they weren't exactly as happy about it as me. These friends were saying stuff like "meds can fuck you up" and "it's not that hard to overdose" and "if you want to risk it you can but personally I don't think it's worth it". So yeah I kinda decided that my ocd wasn't bad enough for me to "deserve" meds or for me to "risk" taking them.

The meds don’t actually have bad side effects though. Apparently the worst the side effects can get is causing flu-like symptoms for the first few days which will be annoying. But like, sometimes I realise that yeah the meds could really help me. And my ocd is getting worse obviously. I don’t think my therapist realised how uncontrollable and disruptive it has become for me, which is probably my fault because I didn’t tell her. But I saw the change in her facial expression when she realised that it was worse than she thought. 

So yeah basically that’s how I ended up with this little box that holds so much power. I haven’t really seen what it looks like because my mum is “looking after” it (I’ll get to that later). But whenever I think about that small box, I feel really nervous and, in a way, scared. Maybe it’s because last time I was given a box of medication, I didn’t need it. I’m sure if you know me in person you would’ve heard the story that I always tell about the doctor who (mis)diagnosed me with epilepsy because I had a sore ankle. That doctor gave ten-year-old me meds that I didn’t need — I didn’t take them but I guess there’s still that association with meds and bad stuff. I dunno. 

Despite all my apprehension towards taking meds, I feel like I have started relying on the fact that I will (probably?) be taking them. I’ve started to slack off with my ExRP and I think that’s because of a variety of reasons (like the fact I’m on holiday). But I keep finding that I’m always telling myself that the drugs will do all the work for me to get rid of my ocd so I don’t have to work as hard to challenge the ocd myself. And I know that isn’t true but I keep thinking that. 

I don’t even know if I’ll end up taking the meds. I’m sure you can tell from reading this that I kind of have my heart set on taking the meds. But I’m not sure my mum does. I was meant to have started taking the meds by now, but I haven’t. I don’t know where my box of meds is because my mum has it. I don’t even know if my dad knows that I’m meant to be taking the meds. And my mum has been trying to talk me out of it in a way. First she suggested I take vitamin supplements instead, and now she keeps telling me I don’t have to take them if I don’t want to. Yeah I appreciate that she wants me to make my own decision, but I was the one who asked to take meds in the first place. I know she’s trying to help but sometimes I feel like she’s trying to subtly persuade me into not taking the meds. And then, as mentioned there’s the fact that she has seemingly forgotten that we planned for me to start taking meds by a few days ago. Maybe she has just genuinely forgotten, but wow that’s one hell of a thing to forget. And I’m too scared of her to tell her I should probably start taking meds. 

I still don’t really understand how she could have forgotten though. She spends enough time staring at me while I do my compulsions and copying my compulsions in a mocking sort of way — why hasn’t that reminded her? That’s why I have kinda assumed she’s forgotten on purpose. Oh well. It’ll happen eventually I guess? I’m kinda worried though because our aim was for me to start taking meds a while before I go back to school because I’ll probably feel sick from the side effects… but I guess that isn’t going to happen and I’ll be sick after school. I mean at least it’s not contagious-sick, you know? 

I don’t even know why I wrote this post haha. I always feel less guilty about posting this complaining-rant stuff here than telling my friends in person. That way I’m not really forcing the information on people, and if they don’t care they don’t have to know. 

I always feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing with my ocd though. It always seems like everyone else is worse off than me, and so I feel bad about complaining about my ocd and stuff. I know I complain a lot anyway (and I’m sorry if that annoys you). Sometimes the fact I’m going to take meds makes me feel more valid. It reminds me that I’m not just some brat who complains about a problem that is far smaller than everyone else’s. Usually I just try to use humour to complain about/explain my ocd — and let’s be real it’s pretty funny in hindsight what my brain is doing to itself. Sometimes I worry about making ocd jokes though because I have very strong negative opinions towards those who make ocd jokes and don’t have ocd (or even know what it is). I guess there’s kinda a line that you shouldn’t cross in terms of that stuff — one that many people don’t know exists. It was like that time that my friend who hasn’t ever self harmed made a self harm joke and when I asked her to stop she got kinda pissed off. That was a very awkward moment. 

I guess maybe my mum also is holding back the medication (assuming it’s on purpose) because she thinks I’m getting better. No mum but I’m glad to know that I’ve gotten better at hiding my compulsions and that I’ve successfully stopped complaining. It’s true that my contamination ocd has settled down a bit but that’s only because my ocd has gotten worse in other areas. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt as a person with ocd, it’s that nobody cares unless it’s contamination ocd. My mum thinks I’ve been cured because my contamination ocd isn’t as bad anymore, but ocd isn’t just about contamination. 

It targets everything you care about to the point that you can’t love anything anymore because it will become corrupted by the fear that something terrible will happen to the thing you care about — and that it will be your fault. It can get to the point where the word “love” becomes a trigger. And it’s the type of word you see everywhere; a word that so many people don’t notice. But every time I see or hear that word I’m thrown back into a spiral and I have to perform compulsions. But the compulsions are in my head so nobody knows. I just went off topic but what I’m trying to say is that you can’t tell that someone is “better” if you think they look better. Because the inside of their mind could be darker and more terrifying than you could ever imagine. 

Uhhhh so yeah this post is very random and ranty and I’m sorry I went off topic. Maybe I’ll write a post when I finally start taking meds? I must admit that I’m very curious to find out what being on ocd meds feels like. And I don’t think I’ll tell anyone else that I’m taking meds because I know I will regret it. But I might ask my mum about the meds? Or try to bring it up in conversation — there’s no way I have the guts to ask her outright haha. 

Also I’m sorry I don’t know whether the name of this post is even relevant because I don’t know if my pills are actually white. Because I haven’t seen them, MUM. But I appreciate my own song lyric reference and I had no other ideas of titles for this post. 

I’d this post even worth posting? It’s very boring. Oh well I will post it. It’s my blog I should be able to post my boring random shit on here. Goodbye.