Heyyy guys. I would like to give a content warning for ocd and discussions of love.
I haven’t written many uplifting or positive posts for this blog yet. Mainly because I found that the internet is a great place to vent and complain about life. But also largely because I was kinda going through a hard time. As discussed in this post, I was struggling a lot with ocd, to the point where I found it really really hard to function. It was having a major effect on my life — all my energy and time was taken up by the ocd. I failed heaps of my exams and my social life was also impacted because of it.
Anyway, as discussed in this post, I started medication for ocd. It took a while for them to take an effect since I had to slowly increase my dosage, but recently I have been feeling so much better. I've also put quite a bit of effort into ExRP. That has done a lot for me too.
I’m a lot happier now because I feel like I have control over my own life now. And it is becoming a lot easier for me to do normal life stuff now, like my homework/schoolwork and chores. It is an amazing amazing feeling; it’s so amazing that I can’t describe it.
I used to be unable to say my dog’s name because I was terrified that something bad would happen to her if I did. A few weeks ago I could finally say her name without repeating it a certain number of times. It sounds kinda stupid and trivial but that was so huge for me.
And then, about a week ago, I told my dog I loved her. It has been months if not years since I’ve been able to say “I love you” to anyone because again I was scared that something bad would happen to them if I did. But a lot of my obsessions focused on my dog.
A few months ago I would’ve felt really anxious at just the thought of me saying, “I love you, Peggy”. But the other day I finally finally could. I sat there saying “I love you I love you I love you” over and over again until I was sobbing because I was so happy that I was finally able to express how much I love my dog.
(Also shhhh I know she’s a literal dog who doesn’t understand English.)
So this is why I am writing a Valentine’s Day post. The day is about love, yes? It’s about admitting and showing your love. And I guess I’m just so happy that I could finally admit — to myself and to Peggy — that I do love her.
Ok looking back on this post, it is very cringey. Ahhhh. But uh I guess Valentine’s Day is always cringe. Hahahahaha last year me would be horrified that I wrote a cringey Valentine’s Day post about my love for someone. But the truth is that love is not all romantic. Family love, guys!!!
Things do get better. Just a few months ago, it took me an hour to write a few sentences. But in the last summer holidays I did a whole-ass uni course (I am like not uni age I'm a smart kid✨). And I got a HD!!! MY REDEMPTION ARC IS COMPLETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sorry I'm on a sugar high...)
I'm off my sugar high now um just ignore that.
Seriously though. Life can be so fucking tough and cruel but recovering is an amazing feeling. I know it kinda sucks that you have to put work into recovery. It can be incredibly hard to ask for help too. But it is 100% worth it.
When I was at my worst I kinda hated the inspirational articles that my mum sent me about how "you can get better if you try to". But to be honest they are right. It's ok not to be ok. Seeking help doesn't mean you're weak, it means you're strong. It is possible to get better if you just take it one step at a time and trust others to help you. It's so important to let other people help you even though it can be scary — that's something I learnt.
Speaking of which, if any of you imaginary blog readers need me, I'm always always here for you. I want to help people to feel the incredible feeling that comes with recovery.
That's all I have to say for now, except: please please just keep going. It can feel impossible at times, I know. But things do get better. Life can be beautiful if you're not spending it focusing on things that hurt you. You are lovable; you are loved.
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